conversations with myself.........

taking care of my own mental health is still a challenge, i have to actually remind myself to be nice to my self.......... for those who know me, they may not realize what an enemy i have.......... i like to laugh and help others, i tell them not to be so hard on themselves......... why is this such a hard thing to accomplish?  how in the hell did i manage to get so down on myself in the first place?  i know i have strengths, why is it hard to see them?  is it because i'm afraid if i build myself up, someone will tell me that i'm conceited????  i have a habit of covering mirrors in my home, banning scales....... but why?  let's start there...... i can answer those questions........ i refuse to own a scale because i myself was anorexic and bulimic in high school......... always saw rolls of fat hanging here and there....... i look back on pictures and realize, my body looked good......... but i never could see it......... i've become so used to looking in the mirror and seeing all the things that i dislike that i don't like to see it at all.......... i watched that number on the scale and let it determine whether i ate lunch that day or waited until i got to work to eat a spoonfull of bakers yeast with large quantities of water...... and it did well to fill me up and i wasn't skeletal so no one seemed to notice, except that girl standing in front of the mirror hating the person staring back at her.......... i've been told i didn't have a problem because eventually i stopped, without a full blown intervention............ i have family who still believe, i never had a problem........ they didn't see it, so it must have never existed.........  why am i struggling today?  i'm not struggling with the weight as much anymore because i know that 4 pregnancies in 5 years has left my body permanently changed and i am doing something about it........ not so much for the weight loss, just to be healthy......... and i'm trying to be confident, i want to be successful and be a positive role model to all the children and any person i meet, but still in my mind there is this little voice constantly pointing out my failures........... i didn't get the floors mopped, i served frozen pizzas for dinner, clean laundry is piled in the bedroom and dirty laundry waiting to be washed......... all the things i haven't gotten accomplished yet here i sit writing a blog that is more for me, than anyone else.  why is that something i am forcing myself to do even though my list of things to do is a mile long?  i think this IS important for my mental health, something i did religiously when i did commit to therapy......... asking myself questions and answering them all in the same sentence.........  why do i think there is anyone in the world bored enough to sit and read the ramblings of a middle aged, bipolar female?????  i think more than anything i hope to find that i am not alone....... maybe there's someone out there that needs to read exactly the things i have to say and that they will find strength in them........ making myself accountable and keeping track of the path i'm on, keeping my goals in plain site.......... this is the first time in 3 days that i haven't felt like i was walking on air, questioning whether or not i will be successful, 3 days....... that's a start, i'm not rolling back down the hill i'm attempting to climb, just pausing to take a breath because i've got a long way to go, but i've also got support and i have my own children watching me, i don't want them to find themselves in the dark holes i've sunken in.......... i want them to know they can do anything they set their minds to, i just want them to set positive goals, so it's time to lead by example.......... thanks for the pep talk meisha, no problem, we've got this.......... now post this, so we don't forget it...........