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stuff about things not related to any challenge......

so i realize my stress levels have been high, but it hit me today that it could be far worse........ i'm worried about situations people have put themselves into and i cannot save them, for my words and advice are unwanted......... there are people out there who are suffering through no fault of their own, so it's time to let my stress go........... i pray the end result turns out favorable, i pray they open their eyes before choices are taken from them, i hope they do get everything they desire.......... i just can't let myself be tossed into turmoil time and time again when their choices are their worst enemy......... my energy deserves to be spread to those who want and need it......... to the children who are sick, to the parents who are injured, to the folks who have lost so much during these natural disasters.......... i deserve to spend my energy on myself to better myself and those around me........... no amount of love can help one that does not desire to help them...
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i'm avoiding you......

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all 2 or 3 of you....... :)  no, really i have been if i'm going to be totally honest because i have yet to quit smoking, so let's focus on what i am doing........ stressing the fahq out over here........ but that HAS TO STOP NOW!!!  i am doing some good things, talking nicer to myself more frequently but my big one is reaching out to people instead of letting it build inside of me until i burst!!!  let's go with that and get this shit handled........ i'm scolding myself, for good reason....... i started this challenge and i almost gave up, i could turn my back on this whole thing and say, well i failed again or i can brush myself off and rededicate......... let's do that...... are you with me? is there anybody out there?  should that really matter?  who am i doing this for?
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let's try this again.......

i avoided writing for a few days, partly because this blog is more self serving than anything else, and i wasn't proud of myself....... i was smoking........ but i refrained from putting myself down about it........ i managed to get ahead on some of my other goals, so it wasn't total failure......... i'm back on the track, shaking myself off and ready to go again......... cause sometimes a hand full of nothing is a real cool hand............. but this no smoking thing is hard........ it truly is....... some people can just quit and be like, i'm cool, while i'm over here clawing at my eyes because i just want the satisfaction of that first puff.......... what's that about even????   that and........ was out of greens....... got my shipment in, i have plenty of it's vital minerals......... i can do this............
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stress and triggers

love yourself and the rest will follow............ this is the phrase i repeated to myself for 3 months before i reunited with the man that became my husband before the year was out.......... this is the phrase i need to remember to get myself to the next step............ gotta start keeping it simple.......
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day 3......

still taking my greens and it works vital minerals.......... i've come to the realization that this would be so much easier if i would stop having to talk myself out of having a smoke, it's just automatic, i find myself reaching to the place they used to be and looking for the ashtray, but when they're not there i have to convince myself to stop looking.......... it's really odd how the mind works.....  happily (not sure that's the right adjective, but......)  this house is once again free of cigarettes........ yes, that means i smoked them all..... eeek....... but i'm NOT buying any more!!!   cabinets are free of forgotten packs....... no stash hidden so i can sneak a smoke.......... each time i have had one i beat myself up, no more!  i'm committed......... i'm starting to be able to smell them in a stronger way (does that make sense)  and the taste they leave in my mouth isn't good....... plus i've still got this hacking cough and i KNOW they...
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challenge day 2.........

7 am......... took it's vital, got through getting all the kids off to school........ except pax, he doesn't go today..... 9:45 am............ there are no longer any cigarettes in this house....... time for greens and it's vital....... 10:30.......... i have to keep reminding myself that i'm not going to have a cigarette, it's like i keep reaching for them, which i suppose is my usual behavior......... reaching for a sip of water instead.......and an altoid or 3......... 12:30 ......... damn it, the universe hates me......... a pack of cigarettes was hiding in the cabinet........ this is hard......... still a long long way from my usual pack a day........ i got this...... 3:15......... kids home from school, taking it's vital minerals....... still holding steady....... lots of reminding myself that no, it's not time for a smoke break........ keeping myself busy, made jerky today.......... doing the housework i need to do, resting when needed, this...
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21/90 challenge day one.......

day one: broke and had that first smoke of the day, followed by greens and it's vital at 9:20......... off to shower and get the stink of smoke off........ 9 cigarettes left in the last pack i have in my possession....... 10:45 - used peppermint sugar scrub on my arms and hands in the shower, followed by peppermint body lotion (both have essential oils!)  taking another dose of it's vital minerals, no additional cigarettes have been had, but i'm curiously having a craving........ brushed my teeth twice!  i've added some mint extract to my water...... 12:25 pm - taking another it's vital....... this is hard right now and i'm fighting the urge to smoke all the cigarettes one after another so they're just gone....... 12:40 - one more cigarette gone...... :( i did get to experience the eclipse with my babies, it was awesome, however i look forward to 7 years from now when they actually all care about watching it..... 2:15 pm - another it's vital a...
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