day 3......

still taking my greens and it works vital minerals.......... i've come to the realization that this would be so much easier if i would stop having to talk myself out of having a smoke, it's just automatic, i find myself reaching to the place they used to be and looking for the ashtray, but when they're not there i have to convince myself to stop looking.......... it's really odd how the mind works.....  happily (not sure that's the right adjective, but......)  this house is once again free of cigarettes........ yes, that means i smoked them all..... eeek....... but i'm NOT buying any more!!!   cabinets are free of forgotten packs....... no stash hidden so i can sneak a smoke.......... each time i have had one i beat myself up, no more!  i'm committed......... i'm starting to be able to smell them in a stronger way (does that make sense)  and the taste they leave in my mouth isn't good....... plus i've still got this hacking cough and i KNOW they're not helping it.......  this change isn't going to be small, once i figure out i have what it takes to reach my goals, i really am going to be unstoppable..........


why does the thought of going a full night without a cigarette strike such fear in my heart........... seriously, what's the worst that's going to happen......... what's that about even........ shut up brain....... and now i remember......... kids that come in arguing and screaming and yelling and running......... all that chaos makes me wish i did have a little fire stick......... but i don't and i'm going to make it........... and there's my monthly email reminding me to get my marlboro coupons now..... shut up universe, just shut up..........

confession time......... i broke....... fuck you universe........ bought a pack......am i a failure..... some of you may say yes, i'm not going to call myself a failure, this is a set back........ i'm not done quitting....... i'm just not coping well with some things going on right now and the stress won, this battle......... i WILL win the war......... i can't let all the things pile up and let radical raw emotions create more turmoil......... i can't let myself snap at the kids because i'm fighting with myself internally.......... so there it is........ honesty......... they don't even taste good........ do i feel good about it, not even a little bit........... in order to be successful, i need to find a different way to deal with these stresses.......... that's the root of the problem........

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